“They had a hard day at work today”, “They’ve been stressed lately”, “They didn’t mean it like that” or ” They will, just haven’t had the opportunity” – do any of these sound familiar? Have you ever said any of these, or similar, sentences when your abuser does something?
I know I did. A lot.
When I was still together with my ex, there were instances where I did not stand up for myself when some people in his family bullied me, because I felt it wasn’t “my place” to do so. I felt like an outsider, a huge reason for that was not only the way they treated me but the way my partner did as well. See, he never once had my back, never once defended me. And while most of the instances took place without him seeing it, there were some that he witnessed and didn’t step in.
I spoke a lot to my friend R., she was my best friend at the time and someone I confided in. She questioned his behavior and every single time, I made excuses and often got defensive. “He promised he will talk to them, he said so!” was probably the excuse I used the most. In my defense, he did promise to talk to his sister, after a particularly nasty event where she made it clear (in front of everyone, nonetheless) that I was not accepted, nor wanted, in the family.
That incident took place almost four years ago and he never talked to her.
I am sharing this story, not to make him look bad, but to show you that I have gone through it as well. I have made excuses for someone I loved, for their behavior (or, in this case, lack thereof).
Making excuses for someone who mistreats you is normal. It’s human. Especially if you love the person, it’s difficult to accept they are mistreating you and, instead, we often try to find reasons why they do it. The thing is, especially if it’s a parent or a significant other that is mistreating you, there is no excuse. Whether it be our parents or our spouse, they chose to have us in their lives and there is no excuse for mistreating someone you wanted in your life.
The sad part is that more often than not, we blame ourselves. We think we are the problem, we deserved it or we are simply not good enough. We should or could have done more, if only we had done this or that differently or if we had been better….at the end of the day it all comes down to our sense of worth. Somewhere along the way, we started believing that we were not good enough and maybe even that we deserved to be treated that way.
Let me tell you one thing: it is not your fault! You did nothing to deserve being mistreated! But it also doesn’t mean that the other person is evil or mistreating you on purpose. They may be fighting their own demons. Life isn’t black and white, and neither is emotional abuse. It may take you a long time to start believing this, and in yourself, but I can assure you it is worth it. You are worth it.
Once you start healing, you will start seeing this more and more clearly and, more importantly, you will stop making excuses for those who mistreat you. This is an extremely important step in your healing journey because that’s when you start seeing your worth again! If you want to stand up for yourself and start walking the path of healing your trauma, reach out to me anytime.