If I had a cent for every time I heard someone use the term narcissist, I would probably be able to afford a library like the one on Beauty and the Beast – the one portrayed in the Disney edition, obviously.
I feel like people are just throwing the word narcissist around like confetti, almost as if it were the “disease of the moment”. And quite honestly, it’s becoming annoying. Let me tell you why!
Narcissism is a serious disease, and not a diagnosis to be thrown around. It’s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder and, like everything in the world, has a broad spectrum to it. NPD is a mental condition that can only be diagnosed by a doctor – and by that, I do not mean Dr. Google – and those who suffer from it have an inflated sense of self-importance, an excessive need for attention, and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. While narcissists seem to be terribly confident, the contrary is the case. Deep down their self-esteem is very vulnerable to the slightest criticism and sometimes even nonexistent.
Having that said, although someone may not be a narcissist, that doesn’t mean they can’t have narcissistic qualities in their personality! Some people simply have a sense of entitlement that has more to do with the way they were raised and what values were instilled into them, than with a mental illness. I understand that being able to give something a name helps us come to terms with our experiences. But using the term narcissist for minor instances of self-absorption does nothing more than trivialize the pain and experiences of those who have suffered at the hands of real narcissists. And, as I mentioned before, there is a spectrum within NPD and, therefore, there are people who suffer from it who aren’t toxic or evil.
I’m not saying you haven’t been the victim of a narcissist, statistically speaking 5% of the population has been diagnosed with NPD, so the chances of you meeting a narcissist during your lifetime are pretty high. However, I feel like there’s this kind of movement going around – especially on social media – where people diagnose pretty much any toxic person as a narcissist and that needs to stop! Not to mention there are also other mental disorders that may cause someone to act out in narcissistic ways, without having NPD.
Classifying every toxic ex-partner or abuser as a narcissist is taking away the seriousness of the disease. That isn’t to say that you may not have suffered at the hands of someone toxic, but that doesn’t automatically mean they’re a narcissist. The probabilities that they’re just a shitty person are actually much higher. Sometimes people simply aren’t compatible! That does not immediately mean that one of them is a narcissist. They may be immature, have no communication skills, or even have cultural differences that, paired with the previous qualities, will lead to major misunderstandings. Addicts are also an example of people who display characteristics of narcissists – such as lacking empathy for others and self-centered behaviors.
Looking at my own personal experiences, with both my parents/family and at least one ex-partner, I could say some of them exhibited narcissistic behavior. Do I think they’re narcissists? Not necessarily. I know both my parents grew up not feeling important in their own families, which may have been the reason why they want to be the center of attention now. They also were modeled very toxic behaviors by their own families, which play a huge role in the people they have become.
But take the father of my son as an example, I don’t think he’s a narcissist at all. He simply lacks communication skills and relationship experience, paired with some cultural differences and no desire to change or try to make it work, turned the relationship toxic (which I had my fair share of doing as well). I also believe that should he ever decide to get help and learn how to communicate in a relationship, the chances of him having a good relationship with a more compatible partner, are extremely high.
I could easily turn things around and go on social media calling both my parents and my exes narcissists. Would that be accurate? No, because I am not a doctor and can only give an opinion, not a diagnosis. It would also not change anything, it wouldn’t make the things that happened any less painful, nor would it absolve the role I had in not only choosing, but maintaining those relationships. Putting the whole blame of a failed relationship on others may make us feel better in the moment, but won’t help us going forward. Until we take something away from those relationships, we will keep repeating the same patterns.
Having a general awareness of NPD and narcissistic behaviors can be extremely helpful in spotting red flags early in future relationships before they turn truly toxic. However, jumping to conclusions and labeling someone as a narcissist because we want an answer to why they treated us the way they did, is not useful or helpful.
Some people are just shitty and sometimes it simply wasn’t meant to be.