Christmas, the time of the year when most people get together with their families and spend time with their loved ones. But Christmas isn’t all white and merry for some of us. It’s widely known to be a stressful time, but it may also be triggering for those who have suffered trauma at the hands of those who should have protected them the most.
THE ROMANTICISM OF CHRISTMAS TIME
Sometimes I would like to know who decided to make Christmas such an over-the-top thing, so I could go back in time and smack them over the head. Jokes aside, though, I feel a big discrepancy between what Christmas and the holiday season are supposed to be and what they are.
Whether it was on tv or at school, Christmas was portrayed in such a positive, beautiful and, most of all, happy way. It was impossible not to share the excitement surrounding it. However, even as a child, there would be a heaviness in my stomach, that I couldn’t explain, even if I had wanted to. I was taught that this time of the year was a time to get together, we would always celebrate Christmas with the family (a total of 13 of us, me being the only child) and things were good. What I wasn’t aware of was how toxic and negatively my family would act during this time, particularly when we all got together.
I ended up developing anxiety surrounding this time of the year. If on one hand, I liked the lights and the energy surrounding it, on the other hand, I would feel extremely nervous about the whole ordeal. I was expected to either make or buy something for every single member of my family – again, my mother has a lot of siblings, most of them married, so it added up. I am someone who always puts a big effort into presents, they may not be big or expensive, but they come from the heart. This is why it was always a punch in the gut when I saw how my family didn’t appreciate my efforts. Sure, it may seem something little, but it stuck with me and for a very long time I felt bitter about Christmas. After all, it didn’t matter if I put any effort or not, the result was the same – after years into my healing journey, I am aware this stemmed from not feeling accepted and loved.
However, all around me people talked about spending time with their loved ones, shared the presents they got or were going to get, and fantasized about the food they were going to eat at Christmas dinner…the list goes on. This made me feel excited about it as well until the actual day came.
Luckily, moving countries made me see things from another perspective and that helped a lot. Sure, I still think people don’t concentrate on what Christmas should be, yet at the same time, I also understand that it’s not their fault. It’s the way society conditions us into thinking this time of the year is so amazing, how it’s all about family and love and togetherness, but don’t forget the presents! See the discrepancy? The hypocrisy of it? They tell us it isn’t supposed to be about the presents, while at the same time telling us that if we don’t give/get certain types of material things, we’re not good enough. Pretty ironic, don’t you think?
CHRISTMAS AS A CO-PARENTING PARENT
Full disclosure, this time of the year is still hard for me. Hard. Even though I now have enough understanding to discern between what is and what we’re taught by society, it is still difficult for me to turn my feelings off and be merry. I’m human, so I don’t beat myself up for it (even though I do get annoyed at myself).
My son is now four years old. Old enough to understand Christmas is a special time of the year, but not old enough to understand how fake it all is. And I want him to feel the magic for as long as he can, which means I strive to give him the best experience I possibly can. However, this is easier said than done, since his father and I have very different views of it. We do try our best to get together and make it the nicest day we can for our son and, for the most part, we have been able to successfully do it.
Nonetheless, it still is a difficult time of the year for me, because it is impossible to not be confronted with the fact that I do not have the same relationship with my family that society tells everyone we should have around the holidays. And even though I am this is simple conditioning and does not say anything about who I am or my worth, it doesn’t mean it makes those feelings go away.
BE KIND TO THOSE AROUND YOU
Even though it is easy to forget, during this time of the year, keep in mind that not everyone has a good relationship with their family. Some people are grieving the families they never had, and some are coming to terms with the fact that their families aren’t what they thought (or wished) they were. Some people may be going through things you cannot begin to imagine and some may simply try to pretend all is good, while they’re crumbling inside.
Regardless of what anyone’s unspoken reasons may be, be mindful, be kind, and be patient with those around you. Christmas may be the most beautiful time of the year for some, but for others, it’s not as merry as you may think.