Admitting to having experienced any kind of abuse, is an extremely hard thing to do to begin with. But when those around us respond by saying “it could have been worse” and/or proceed to compare our abuse to something else, it makes it even worse. Let me explain why…
One of the “side effects” (let’s call it that for the sake of simplicity) of abuse is secrecy. On one hand the abuser may directly imply a variety of things: that no one would believe the victim or that they would hurt their loved ones, just to name a few. On the other, less talked about, side of things, there is the shame. See, people who go through abuse often feel shame about it. They feel they “should have known better” or just feel inadequate or not good enough because they went through it.
When a victim of abuse finally is able to speak out about what they went through, years may have passed, and they aren’t doing it lightly. Imagine you opened up about something really traumatic, and the person you’ve trusted with this very impactful thing, answers with “it could have been worse” or “but you still have…”. It takes the importance out of the situation and that is very hurtful for the victim.
When a victim of abuse finally is able to speak out about what they went through, years may have passed, and they aren’t doing it lightly. Imagine you opened up about something really traumatic, and the person you’ve trusted with this very impactful thing, answers with “it could have been worse” or “but you still have…”. It takes the importance out of the situation and that is very hurtful for the victim.
Personally, whenever I was in that situation, I felt misunderstood or like my experiences and/or feelings weren’t being taken seriously, which sucked.
And, while I can understand that, for someone who did not experience abuse, it may seem trivial or like the victim simply cannot “move on”, I also understand how hard it is to heal from it (especially if you’ve tried to ignore it for a long time).
When someone opens up about their trauma, those who love the person will feel helpless and that oftentimes leads to anger. They become angry for us and what we went through, but I also believe they become angry at themselves for not having noticed the situation before or not having been able to help or even at the fact that it took you so long to open up in the first place.
I am not saying that’s wrong, by any means! Every feeling is valid, every person has a right and a reason to feel the way they feel about any type of subject or situation. However, just like you want your feelings to be respected, you should also respect those of someone else.
It’s natural for your first reaction to be “it could have been worse”, it has been ingrained in most of us to see the good in every situation or “make the best of it”, that’s not your fault, nor is it the problem. The issue begins when you don’t stop yourself from thinking this way, when you don’t accept someone else’s feelings because you can’t relate. Because, honestly, most people I have opened up about my emotionally abusive family, cannot relate to it. They don’t understand it, because it is not a part of their world (well, sometimes it is and they just haven’t noticed it yet, but that’s a whole other story).
Next time you feel like you’re going to say to someone what they went through “could have been worse”, stop yourself. Or, if the words slip out of your mouth, assure them you aren’t trying to invalidate their feelings or what they went through (which I truly believe wasn’t your intention to begin with). And remember, if you don’t understand something or cannot relate to a situation, you can always ask questions about it! It’s the easiest way to understand the person in front of you, even if you never went through the same thing (and hopefully never will).
