We all have someone in our friends’ group, who is constantly complaining about their bad luck in finding romantic partners. Heck, maybe it’s even you who says it, I know I have once or twice! But is it really down to bad luck or is there more to it?
The truth is, if we don’t deal with our childhood traumas, we keep recreating them in our lives. We end up going for partners who remind us – unconsciously – of our mother or father, with the intent of “repairing” the relationship. Only, we’re not aware of it. This is why the child who never felt loved or accepted by their father, ends up in relationships with men who make them feel the same way because their inner child is still trying to make things better, to fix them.
I always had issues feeling capable or competent in the eyes of my father, struggling with the feeling of never being able to do things right. And, though I (now) understand that this is not the case, I also never felt loved by him. His way of showing love is by making fun of me, downright bullying me, even though he knows it hurts my feelings – or perhaps because of it. It gives him the feeling of being in control and being the “best”, two things he did not feel growing up (and probably still doesn’t). Now, you take three guesses what kind of romantic partners I ended up with, over and over again. Yup, you guessed it: avoidant men, who like to make fun of me and make me feel judged and unloveable. Just like my parents (but let’s focus on the father figure here).
I ended up having a child with a man like this, and later on, even married him. “But“, I hear you asking me, “if you know about this, why did you still choose to be in a relationship with this person?”
The answer is simple: I did it unconsciously.
On the surface, my ex and my father have little, if not nothing, in common. One grew up in an orphanage, the other with a huge family. My father had various jobs until he worked his way up from a sailor to becoming a captain, finishing his high-school degree on the way. The man I married went to university and then got a good entry-level job in which he quickly grew. My father has had times when he slept on park benches when he was out of money, while my ex surely only slept outdoors if he chose to. My father has a lot of anger in him, which he has no issue displaying, while my ex is afraid of showing any kind of emotion.
At first glance, they had very little in common. But once I started looking closer, I started seeing the similarities: they both make fun of me (in knowingly hurtful ways), both criticize me constantly, both belittle my feelings and emotions, and both are unable to take accountability for their hurtful actions and both make me feel judged.
The thing I have longed for the most in my life is to feel loved and accepted just the way I am, unconditionally. And one thing I have always, unconsciously, done is choose romantic partners that make me feel the same way my father does, in a way wanting to change the past. But when this person ends up making me feel the same lousy way, I feel like it is the confirmation that I’m unworthy and unloveable – like my parents made me feel.
I was going after people who would make me recreate my childhood dynamics, without even being aware of it! What we experience as children stays with us, even if we don’t remember it. And our relationship with our parents, as well as our parents’ relationship with each other, end up imprinting on us and leaving very deep marks on our lives.
Our first experiences, even as young babies, set up an idea of what the ideal relationship is supposed to be. Whether it is romantic or not – if I look at a lot of friends I have surrounded myself with in the past, they too show the same characteristics as my parents, making me feel the same way they did.
It’s a vicious cycle: my parents made me feel a certain way (especially my father) → I am attracted to people who bring up the same feelings in me (regardless if they’re romantic relationships or not) → those people make → I get the confirmation that I am not good enough/unloveable/unworthy.
This is a cycle most of us get stuck in, at one or another times of our lives. This is why I am so passionate about breaking the cycle, cutting off the chains that held us and our previous generations, and no longer repeating the same mistakes over and over again! If we don’t work on our traumas, we will never be able to go forward. If we don’t heal our childhood wounds, we will do the same mistakes, we will stay in this cycle, much like a hamster constantly running on its wheel, not sure where to, but also never stopping.
Take a look at yourself, look deep inside, really deep. Take your time to identify what you feel, and how those around you make you feel. Did you feel alone as a child? Unloved? Judged? Let those feelings wash over you, and then let them go. Remind yourself that you are no longer a child, you are now a grown person, in charge of your own life and how you feel, in charge of breaking the patterns that have been going on in your family for generations.
This will not be easy. Hell, this will be probably the hardest thing you’ve done, but letting yourself feel – actually feel your feelings, no matter how bad or strong they are – is the first step into your healing journey. One you will have to repeat time and time again because healing traumas isn’t linear, it isn’t an open road where you can see the horizon. Healing trauma is more like climbing a mountain, step by step, sometimes you have to take a few steps back to find a better way, but in the end? Oh, in the end, the view from up there will be worth it, I promise you!