The other day I vented to my best coworker friend about something going on at work that day. I was nervous because I had sent an email to one of the bosses, stating some not-so-good facts going on that were hindering me in a project, and I hadn’t heard back yet. And by nervous, I mean I was a wreck, panicking and overthinking, basically planning to get fired – yes, I can get pretty dramatic sometimes. My friend, after asking what I had written in the email, answered something along the lines of “I don’t see where the problem is, everything you said is correct”. I was frustrated and felt misunderstood but, for the first time in my life, I shared what I needed from my friend at that moment: reassurance and a hug.
Now, we were texting, but the next day while saying our goodbyes at the end of the working day, my friend wordlessly hugged me. It was a quick hug, but it was exactly what I needed at that moment. We’re good friends and I know he is not the type to publicly display affection and we keep our personal friendship separate from work, so the fact that he did that without me having to say anything, meant the world to me.
Growing up I had to constantly be there for others and put my own needs aside. My parents told me multiple times I had “no reason” to feel the way I did, whenever I shared some feeling that they did not consider as good or appropriate. At various times I was told that I should be grateful for all that I had because there are a lot of children who didn’t have it as well as I did. None of my parents learned how to voice their needs and, even today, they share it by throwing tantrums. They expect others to guess what it is that they want and act accordingly and, when that does not happen, they get frustrated and angry and rebel by yelling or putting others down. This is a normal thing for someone who never learned how to communicate effectively and who never emotionally matured.
Today I know and understand this but growing up it made me not only constantly put my own needs aside, but also not really know how to identify what I needed. In turn, I never learned how to reach out and ask those around me for help. In essence, I became a people-pleaser.
It took me a very long time to identify this trait of mine and for a good few years, I hated this about myself. Being a people-pleaser meant I was always putting myself last and yet it never seemed enough for my parents. The worst part? I would act the way I saw them act, walking the same vicious cycle over and over again: I would feel left behind, felt like no one was there for me (while I was there for everyone) but instead of vocalizing it, I would keep it inside, try to bury it as deep as I could. Although that would work to a certain extent, it was anything but healthy and it would make me feel bitter and resentful until eventually, it would be too much for me to handle. Can you guess what would happen then? I would end up throwing a tantrum, just like my parents (still) do whenever they don’t feel appreciated.
I was not aware of this, nor was I able to actually explain what was going inside my head, resulting in those around me thinking I was just moody, which in turn just made me feel even more misunderstood and just plain „wrong“.
This whole process was made worse by the fact that, while my parents were „allowed“ to act however they want to (they are, after all, the grownups), I was not. There was no excuse for me to act that way. It was a double standard I did not understand.
It took me a long time to realize the cycle I was stuck wasn’t mine, but theirs. I had a way out if I wanted to. So I took it. It was a long journey because I do genuinely like making people feel good, so finding that middle point where I do it because I want to, feel good about doing it, without expecting anything in return or because I want someone to like me, was not easy.
What people don’t understand is that breaking these cycles is very much like fighting an addiction. There are ups and downs, you walk one step ahead and two back before you make any progress. But staying consistent and keeping at it is the way to go. Don’t give up, learn to know yourself, and if you like to make those around you happy, do it! Just don’t sacrifice your own needs and happiness for it.