Feelings are complex on their own, they can overwhelm you or make you feel numb. Gut feelings are especially important, these are your own instinct and can, in certain situations, even save your life.
But what if you were brought up to ignore your feelings, in favor of someone else’s? If you spent most of your life ignoring your own emotions, telling yourself they were wrong?
What you learn as a child will impact you forever. Growing up I was taught my feelings weren’t important. My parents would either make fun of them or call me selfish for not thinking of theirs first. This is how a lot of so-called “people pleasers” are created. It’s nothing else than putting everyone’s needs above your own, with the hopes that then you’ll feel validated, seen, important.
For most of my life, I was not only given the feeling that my emotions weren’t important but I was also told what and how I should feel. That the way I felt about something or someone, was wrong.
When I felt my boundaries weren’t being respected, I was taught that only other people’s boundaries were important. When I tried to speak my mind, I was taught my opinions were wrong. And when I felt sad, I was told I had no reason to feel that way. Whenever I tried to talk about something someone had said or done, I was told not to be “so sensitive.” It was always a variation of either “you’re too sensitive” or “you are so selfish, the world doesn’t revolve around you“.
Growing up believing that your feelings and emotions don’t matter, makes you not only not believe in yourself, but also accept things that you would otherwise not have accepted.
For me it was getting into relationships with people who didn’t treat me right or not speaking up after a university professor sexually assaulted me. All those things could have been avoided, but I believed that if my feelings were wrong, then I was wrong.
Why it is important to learn about your feelings
Doing everything you feel like doing can end up firing back at you, like if you feel like eating a whole ice cream package for dinner every night. Or when you feel like going to the beach instead of work. You may have a lot of fun, but you also may end up with a serious stomach ache or unemployed.
Instead, it’s important to get to know your feelings and ultimately understand them. Someone saying something that may upset you isn’t nice, but why does it upset you? You feel like you are suffocating during a certain situation, but why do you feel that way? Feelings should never be ignored because they are trying to tell you something important! Deeply understanding your feelings will also tell you more about yourself, what is right for you or not.
Your feelings are valid
Every single person, regardless of how much we all have in common, is unique. Therefore, feelings someone experiences are unique to them and their situation. Even if someone is going, or went, through a similar thing, it doesn’t mean they understand what you are feeling in said situation.
Your experiences make you who you are, your feelings are valid and should always be respected. You are not weak, nor too sensitive.
If you feel hurt by something someone has said or done, it is your right to feel that way! It is your experience and no one has the right to tell you that you are wrong or should feel some other way. Someone not validating your feelings, maybe even making fun of them, is a form of emotional abuse.
The moment you realize this, you take the power into your hands again. It is ok to cry, to be happy or sad, to feel frustrated for not being able to accomplish something you really wanted to. This is something I wish I had learned sooner because I spent most of my life hearing my feelings were wrong – and accepting it as being true.
Breaking the pattern
It is easy to fall into a ‘fight mode’ when someone doesn’t want to validate your feelings or wants to convince you of being wrong for feeling a certain way. Instead, I feel it is better to say “I think we see things differently” or “let’s agree to disagree on this one” or, if you are feeling really brave “This is the way I feel and I would like you to respect it even if you don’t agree with me, otherwise I won’t continue speaking to you“.
Standing up for yourself can be hard, especially if you grew up in an emotionally abusive environment. Whether it is not having contact with the people who make you feel bad about yourself or just limiting topics of conversations – you have to find out what works best for you!
Next time I will share with you strategies to use when someone does not respect you when you defend your opinion or feelings.