As someone with a keen interest in psychology, I was fascinated by Dr. Lindsay Gibson’s book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It really resonated with me, and I’ve been recommending it to anyone who will listen.
In the book, Dr. Gibson explores the four types of emotionally immature parents. While they may all show emotional insensitivity in different ways, the common thread is the impact they have on their children. It can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and ultimately unlovable – which, let’s face it, is what really messes you up in the long run.
It is important to emphasise that these types exist on a spectrum, and some parents might even embody traits from more than one category, while severe cases are even abusive.
Let’s dig deeper into these types and learn more about how to navigate these oftentimes difficult relationships!
The Emotional parent
Living with an Emotional Parent is like living with a ticking time bomb. You never know what mood they’ll be in, and the whole family atmosphere can feel tense and fragile, like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, doing everything to not upset them in any way.
These parents just can’t seem to handle their emotions like grown-ups. Situations that wouldn’t faze most people can send them off the rails, and they often see things as either completely good or completely bad, with no room for grey. It can be manipulative too, they like keeping score and using their emotions to control everyone around them.
The worst part, though, is how they drag their kids into their emotional storms. There’s no clear boundary between parent and child. If they’re feeling angry, frustrated, or upset, their kids feel it too, as if those emotions are contagious. It can be a really tough way to grow up.
The Driven Parent
You know how frustrating it can be when someone is convinced they know what’s best for you, even if it clashes with your own dreams? That’s exactly what it’s like with driven parents. They seem super supportive on the surface, and especially for those looking from the outside, but everything revolves around their vision for your life.
They forget we’re all individuals with unique passions. There’s no room for exploring your own interests because their way is the only way. This constant pressure can be soul-sucking, making you feel like there’s no point in even trying to express yourself. It’s no wonder kids of driven parents often end up feeling lost and down, not knowing where they belong in the world.
The Passive parent
Ugh, passive parents drive me crazy! They just kind of roll over for anyone who yells the loudest, which can be so frustrating.They forget they’re supposed to be the grown-up!
And don’t even get me started on how they like to pair up with immature partners. It’s almost like they’re drawn to the drama (maybe because they secretly crave some excitement?).
On the surface, they might seem pretty chill and loving, but it feels fake after a while. They can’t really be there for you when things get tough because they’re too busy avoiding conflict.
The worst part is when the other parent is, well, let’s just say “enthusiastic.” Passive parents just disappear, leaving you to deal with the fallout all by yourself. It’s like they forget they’re supposed to be your protector, not your silent roommate
The Rejecting parent
You know, this one hits a bit close to home. Having a parent who seems like they’d be okay if you weren’t around is a terrible feeling. It can make you crave affection and emotional connection, but then when you try to get close, it’s like they put up a wall. They are emotionally distant and unavailable, offering little to no support or validation to their children. Oftentimes they will resort to extreme criticism, diminishing the child’s sense of self-worth. Bottom line: a rejecting parent fails to provide a nurturing and secure environment, leaving their child feeling emotionally abandoned.
I can definitely relate to this. I too, grew up with extremely volatile parents, who ended up being emotionally abusive. My father, in particular, fits into all categories mentioned above, with exception of the passive parent, while my mother is extremely emotional, passive and rejecting.
Living with them was a confusing dynamic, from the outside I had “cool parents” but I knew I could not rely on them for real support – and was shown as much on various occasions. It’s a tough place to be as a kid. One, I did not understand until I became a parent myself and decided I didn’t want my child to have the same experience I had.
If you too have parents who fall in one – or more – of these categories, you’re not alone. It wasn’t your fault, they were supposed to be the parents, they were supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. But not having had good role-models does not mean you are going to make the same mistakes!