Let that sink in, take the time to really feel what feelings are brought up when you read that. Are you outraged? Angry? Do you feel misunderstood or that I have no idea of what you went through? Good. I felt the same way the first time someone said this to me. Now, do me a favor and take a step back, remove yourself and your experiences from it, and hear me out from a place free of judgment.
When we think about the abuse we experienced, especially when we’re at the beginning of our healing journey, it’s normal – expected, even – to see those who did us harm as evil or bad people. It’s also a defense mechanism because it makes things “easier” for us to process. After all, if they’re bad people, the mystery is solved and we can go on with our lives, right? Wrong. Because life isn’t black and white, and neither are abusers.
The truth is, many abusive parents don’t even realize they’re abusive and what they’re doing is wrong because it’s all they’ve ever known. This isn’t to say that it’s ok, far from it! But let me ask you this: how do you expect change to happen if you’re unaware of the problem?
Some parents may even think they’re doing the right thing or that they’re just practicing “tough love” because that’s how they were raised. Let’s be honest, our first experience with other people is with our parents and so was theirs. We learn from those around us, our attachment figures, and our caregivers.
Some people may excuse abusive behavior based on what a parent has been through, implying that having been abused themselves might be why they go on to perpetuate abusive behaviors to their own children. But: that is not, nor should it ever be accepted as an excuse for abusive behavior. It can, however, help you understand where it comes from and from it, help you break that cycle.
The truth is, whether you want it or not, no one breaks patterns from one day to the other. We may be now starting the journey to heal our ancestral and generational trauma and patterns, but we will not be the ones to end it. It will go on with our children, our grandchildren, our nieces and nephews, and everyone whose lives we touch. Seeing our parents as bad people may help for a bit, but in the long run, we need to be able to see them as what they were: innocent children who experienced abuse themselves. Only then can we also start healing ourselves.
PS: I am not saying all abusers were victims, nor am I giving them an excuse. There are evil people in the world, as well as people with severe mental illnesses, who become abusers. However, there is a large number of people who were taught to act that way, who simply kept doing what they experienced themselves. Our generation is lucky and unique, we have a degree of self-awareness, unlike any other generation before us! It is our duty to break the cycle, to change things up, to make things better for the future.