Writing has always been a therapy for me, even when writing for someone else.
I had blogs from the time I was 16, one of them for a very long time, set on private, just for myself. It was my place to write whatever I wanted, without any filter. I started (copy)writing at 18 years old, under a few pseudonyms. Today, I am lucky enough to choose which topics I want to write about, and usually stick to the same ones I share here. However, writing this year hasn’t been the easiest for me. I haven’t been able to write for myself for a few months. If you follow me on Instagram, you may have noticed I didn’t post for almost 6 months. Not for lack of trying, oh no, I tried! I tried a lot, I sat in front of my laptop, facing an open document sheet. Unable to put into words what I wanted to. Then while journaling earlier today, I realised something…. I thought I was stuck because I was unable to write. Turns out, it was the opposite, I wasn’t stuck at all, I was evolving and didn’t have the energy to express myself through writing.
I was breaking my own cycle!
Earlier this year, I had to leave a job I loved due to unforseen circumstances. I worked there for six years, and to this day I feel I sort of grew up in that company. I went through a lot while working there. And I made friends there, real friends. I knew what was happening was one of those curveballs I keep telling you about, that the Universe likes to throw at us to get us off balance and question everything, to make us work for what we really want. But it wasn’t until an hour ago, that I really understood how and why.
My last job came easy to me. It was in a small company, familiar. But I wasn’t really being challenged (even though I thought I was). I took my time looking for another job because it was important to me that it felt right. By the end, I ended up having four job offers, and I declined three of them. Let me tell you, I was terrified when I did it! Naturally, I started questioning myself if I would ever get a job, or if I shouldn’t just have accepted one of the other offers.
I wasn’t even able to explain why, it was my instinct, a gut feeling if you want to call it that. The company where I now work had something, a je ne sais quoi, I had felt different there, both in the remote interviews and in the one in person. By that point, I had decided to wait, not apply anywhere else, and see if I would get an offer from them. And then, one Sunday at 11 p.m., I saw another job offer and in a spur of the moment, applied to it. The next day, I got an email asking if I was up for a video call, which took place on Tuesday. It went so well, it was a really easy interview, and I felt that was exactly the type of place I would fit into. They told me they wanted me to have another interview with someone else in the company, who was out for the week. But one week turned into two, and I honestly thought they had changed their mind.
When my (now) supervisor called me with a job offer, I immediately accepted it. Two days later, I ended up hearing from the other company, the one I had applied to in the spur of the moment, asking to meet me. Although part of me wanted to say yes, I declined and said I had already found something. They ended up reaching out again a few months later, telling me they were still very interested, in case things weren’t working at my current job, they were even willing to pay me more. And if I am fully honest, a part of me questioned if I was making a mistake by declining it again. But today I realised, it was just another test.
I love the company where I now work, I love the job in itself, and I know it absolutely was the right decision to accept the offer. Now I am working with people who push me, who want me to take initiative, and who have my back if I need something. It is challenging at times, but that is part of what makes me enjoy it so much. My supervisor triggers the hell out of me, which I love because it forces me to stop and think about why I am being triggered, and what is that trigger trying to tell me. I knew I had changed a lot in the last two years, but boy did I make some progress these last seven months!
You may be wondering why I am sharing all of this with you. While I give a lot of examples of what generational cycles are, I don’t usually share what mine are, or the patterns I wish to break in my own life. Both my parents had very unpredictable childhoods, my father in war and post-war zones and my mother during a dictatorship. Understandably, they crave predictability, and they taught me the same thing. To play safe, and to not take risks. Before this, the last time I had listened to my instinct and my gut feeling, was when I left Portugal and moved to Austria. For the last decade, I’ve done what others expected me to do, often going against what my own instinct would tell me, I kept playing it “safe”. And if I think back, there were a lot of times when the Universe gave me chances to break this pattern, I just didn’t take them!
Whether you’re in the middle of healing or just started working on yourself and your trauma, don’t feel discouraged if you don’t see improvement right away. Sometimes it may takes years for you to be able to see your own progress. In the last three years, I’ve been told multiple times I’ve “changed” or that I seem different, yet I felt I was the same. What I failed to see was that, even if I don’t actively realise the changes in my life, I am contantly evolving. We all are.
I’m sharing this with you, because I want you to know you shouldn’t give up. Even if you think nothing is changing, others may be seeing the progress you’re making. Sooner or later, so will you, and when that happens, you’ll be happy you didn’t give up!