When I first started getting into my healing journey – and I say really, because I had been on it for years prior, in a start-and-stop kind of way – the strangest thing started happening: conflicts started arising. Small things, too, like simple misunderstandings that I felt were being taken too seriously (often by myself too).
I tried to fight it, go against it, until I realized two things that changed everything: once you start healing, people around you will feel triggered, and sometimes you need to let some people in your life go, to make space for your people. At the time, it frustrated me. Heck, if I’m honest, it still frustrates me sometimes! But then I concluded that sometimes you just change and so do the relationships with those around you.
One person I felt like I got out of sync with was the only friend in the town I live in. Ironically enough, it was also this person who gave me the first book that pushed me further into my healing after I had my son. I considered this person to be my best friend, she was one of the first people to meet my son and we had a lot in common but from, what seemed to be like one moment to the other, we started having stupid conflicts. Sometimes I felt that she was trying to provoke me – as I am sure she felt regarding myself as well.
Looking back, it’s simple to see what had happened: our values had changed and we weren’t on the same wavelength anymore. Things that had previously been important to me, stopped being. I stopped being interested in shopping mindlessly because I realized I was using it as a coping mechanism, while she continued doing so and while she had her reasons to not pursue her healing journey, I was more adamant than ever to do it. I was no longer accepting of certain behaviors on my family’s part, and she chose to let some pass. None of us was better than the other, we simply chose different paths, and we each did what we thought was best for ourselves. But my healing, and the invariable changes that came with that, triggered her. This person is still in my life and I love her deeply, but the fact is that our relationship changed. And that’s not a one-off.
See, while in this particular situation none of the people involved did anything wrong, it isn’t always the case. Sometimes people use those around them to feel better about themselves, sometimes people get their fears triggered when they feel someone they love is changing. And that often means that their wounds are triggered by your healing. While this would be the perfect opportunity for them to look deep within themselves and understand their traumas, often people choose to take their frustrations out on the person who’s healing. In other words, they will be intimidated by your own healing. Some people will take it as far as to try and control you or make you feel bad for choosing the healing journey.
Healing takes guts! It’s not something you do easily, it’s triggering, oftentimes hurtful and you’ll want to give up more times than you’d like to admit! However, it will also give you a feeling of freedom, and make you more confident with each step you manage to conquer. You will change, whether you want it or not. Or, better yet, you will no longer be fearful of showing the person you already are but have been hiding for your whole life. And while that will be visible to those around you, that also means you will end up losing people in your life, some of them that have been around for a long time. That is hard! It’s more than understandable that some people take so long to really get into their healing journey, out of fear of being alone or losing everyone they care for. But let me tell you something, it is worth it!
Do you know the saying “When a door closes, a window opens”? Well, I think it’s a pretty small-minded way of thinking! Why would there only be one door? I prefer to think of it this way: you can choose to close one door forever or for some time, and you can open other doors to let good things in. So, close a door that is giving you hardship and open one that will bring you blessings. It’s a much better way to think of it, isn’t it? You will lose people, yes. That’s is a given. But you will also make space for a lot of new people who are on the same path as you, who share the same values, and who will accept you for who you are! Losing people doesn’t mean that you’ll never see them or talk to them again, it may be just the relationship that changes. You may have been best friends with someone and now hardly have anything in common with them, but you may grow closer together later on in life. You write your own future and walk your own life.
Don’t be afraid of those who will feel small next to you when you start healing, be afraid of you staying stuck in a situation that does not bring you any joy. Heal yourself and your family line and maybe, who knows, you’ll end up helping those exact same people who were too afraid to pursue their own healing journey on their own.