One thing that makes it extremely difficult to identify an abuser is the way they hide in plain sight.
Sometimes the people you expect the least, are the ones who are emotionally abusive.
I find my mother to be the best example of this. She is not only a clinical psychologist, but she made it her life’s work to help victims of domestic abuse. How can this be? I asked myself the same thing when I first became aware of the abuse within our family.
I remember one time accompanying her to a tv-show she was invited to, as an expert. There were little tv-screens in the hallways outside the actual studio where it was being filmed, and I watched the segment from there. The guest in question was a girl, about my age at the time, who had lost a friend and was dealing with grief. I had lost one of my best friends, Sam, in a car accident not even two years prior, so I could identify with what she was saying. Feeling alone, lost, like no one understood what she was going through, questioning why it had happened – those were all things I was going through as well. I saw her speak and felt that she was speaking from my heart. And then I saw my mother – the expert invited on the tv-show – do something she had never done to me: she held the girl’s hand and showed empathy.
The same woman who, when I tried opening up to her about what I was going through after Sam’s death, had literally looked me in the face and said I should stop with the “make-believe depression”, was supporting someone else who virtually was going through the exact same thing! The worst part was that it didn’t surprise me, it didn’t shock me in the slightest. Because deep down I knew my mother acted in completely different ways at work and at home.
Sure, this is an extreme case, I don’t think most people have mothers who are clinical psychologists and help victims of domestic violence while being the perpetrator at home! This also does not erase all of the good work she did, all the (mostly) women she helped during her career. However, it also doesn’t erase everything she put(s) me through, nor does it excuse her behavior.
Abusers often hide in plain sight. They can be our teachers, doctors, therapists, or social workers. They can be the sweetest person you know, outside of their home or in personal relationships. If you are unsure if you are or have been emotionally abused, you can take a look at the checklist I prepared for you, under Freebies. You can also reach out to me and set up a zoom call for us to chat and I will help you figure out if you have indeed experienced it, and help you with the next steps!